Many people still believe that being dominant is a personality trait that is ingrained in your nature.
That being dominant is something you either have or you don’t and that this is a trait that manifests itself throughout different situations in life.
Many people find themselves in a situation where they feel like they are overpowered by that dominant someone, be it at work, home, and even in a small circle of friends.
You probably know that one person that gets all the attention, women love being around him, and he seems to be naturally taking the dominant role without even thinking about it.
It almost feels like he knows something you don’t, right?
So what if you aren’t that dominant person and are just going about most of your life minding your own business, never even thinking that you could actually learn how to become dominant?
Well, that’s why you have me.
This “ultimate guide to how to be dominant in bed” will start from the basics and teach you the most important things you need to know on how to be the perfect Dom.
Yup, it’s basically going to mould you into becoming one by the end of it.
Sounds good to you? Let’s get going.
So what if I were to tell you a truth that can potentially make you want to push yourself into a completely different direction.
Being dominant isn’t just a simple trait you were born with and to expect that you never need to lift a finger in your life or try to gain any knowledge on how to be a good one is totally absurd.
Because knowledge, practice, and experience make things perfect – right?
Let’s start with the first one. Knowledge.
What do you need to know to be able to dominate your love life and have your woman yearn for you to take full control over her?
Let’s get into sharing some quality knowledge, shall we?
✋ NB: There are some NSWF images and videos below so thread carefully! ✋
3 Things You Need To Know First
Most women want a strong man that knows how to be dominant. They want a man who knows how to protect them, defend them, and take good care for them.
These characteristics or desires (not surprisingly) trickle into the bedroom, too.
Knowing how to dominate a woman and drive her over the edge into a screaming, big O that will make her so wet she will need to take a shower after is not something you were born with or something that comes by instincts.
It is purely something you learn.
But dominating someone is not as simple as tying them up, spanking them with a paddle or a whip, call them whatever they like to be called and you’re done.
Hmm… Are you forgetting something before all this goes down?
Let’s get into it. So, first things first:
1. Safewords Are There For A Reason
A safeword is a pre-negotiated word that a submissive can use to pause, check-in, or end the play.
As dominant who truly cares about making the play an enjoyable time for your submissive, it is important to discuss a safeword.
If a submissive also happens to be new in the game and suggests that they want to play without a safeword, you need to take the time and explain why safewords are important.
So, why are they important?
Safewords are used during a scene or a play at any time mostly by the submissive to end any discomfort or pain when it reaches a certain limit.
This could be as simple as needing a restraint adjusted during a bondage play or simply realizing they are not enjoying the play as much as they thought they will and want to end it completely.
Even if your partner knows you well enough and you may think you know how much they can take, you need to explain and make them understand that accidents happen and having a safeword is a quick and easy way to end the play and communicate about the issue.
The most common safewords you can use as a beginner is the colour system:
Yellow – slow down, check-in: If your submissive uses the safeword YELLOW it means that you should slow down and check-in with them. Communicate and try to find out what they need. Maybe it’s just a glass of water, or maybe a moment to catch a breath.
Red – stop right now! – It always means that you should stop whatever it is that you are doing and help them straight away. Your submissive may be in a lot of pain or experiencing an emotional trigger that needs to be taken care of by yourself, as the dominant. Communicate and reassure them that you are there for them and willing to do whatever it is to make them feel better.
Sounds easy? There is no need to overcomplicate things after all.
Why Should You Keep Safewords Simple?
Simple, one-syllable words are easily remembered and can be said during intense moments.
This is because our brains find it hard to bring up complicated words/phrases while experiencing an emotional trigger or intense physical pain.
However, opting for a simple NO and STOP is probably not a good idea either, because you may find that some submissives enjoy the feeling of being ignored and pushed even further by their dominant while “pretending” they are uncomfortable.
It makes much more sense for a clear safe word to be said when s*it hits the fan and your submissive seriously wants to end the play.
Safe Signals Are To Be Considered Too.
Along with safewords, many have implemented safe signals or objects to use when they are either unable to speak or move which can happen during bondage or “breath play” scenes.
Most popular and clear safe signals are:
- a number of taps on a certain part of the body (the shoulder, wrist, forearm, knee…)
- a number of/intense blinking with the eyes
- a number of finger snaps
- a hand gesture such as clenching a fist
Remember that during a play or a scene there is also emotional stimulation besides the physical.
While it is easy to monitor the physical stimulation and realize when things are not going as intended, the emotional can be quite challenging to get it at once.
It is important that you provide adequate aftercare and a long conversation to reassure your partner that everything is going to be fine.
It usually takes a lot for a submissive to use a safeword or a safe signal so giving them warm aftercare will make the experience significantly less traumatic and they will probably be willing to try again some other time.
2. The Importance of Consenting.
Consent is un-coerced, non-pressured, freely given permission and an important hallmark feature that distinguishes any sexual activity from abuse and psychopathology.
That is why some people go as far as they feel they need to and even draw up a written consent form that their partner has to sign before continuing any discussion on the subject.
It is important that your partner gives you permission and reassurance that they are down for listening, communicating and participating in whatever suggestions you may have for them.
If you want to point out that you have a unique way of deriving pleasure for yourself and your partner in bed, make sure to receive consent before continuing the conversation.
Got it? On to the next one.
On this note, I would like to point out one thing that kinda started happening since lame movies like the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy gained massive popularity and messed with everyone’s perception of what sexual domination is.
A lot of guys started believing that dominating a woman simply means telling her what to do in every aspect of her life.
Well, thank you very much for doing that, Mr. Grey.
In reality, sexual domination also means paying attention and fulfilling the needs, wants, and desires of your submissive.
While it is very possible that being told what to do is a fantasy for many women, do not make the mistake of thinking that either of you is going to have a good time in the bedroom if you completely cut off her ability to introduce new ideas.
Unfortunately, a lot of guys want to be the dominant ones in bed and will go about doing anything they can to achieve that.
Including shaming their partner. And this can easily be done if you decide to reject the wants of your submissive, either through your actions or even verbally shutting them down.
I created this guide to teach you how to be the dominant men women need, not some rich and spoiled wannabe Dom that stalks a girl into falling in love with him then beats her with a belt. My apologies if that was a spoiler.
But believe me, you are not missing out on anything if you haven’t seen this horrendous trilogy.
So how do you go about fixing all this mess Mr. Grey did in regards to what sexual domination means?
Communicate, communicate, and communicate some more.
Rejecting a woman’s wants, needs, and desires in the bedroom is a massive red flag that will mess up with your relationship, be it long term or just a fling, and will absolutely kill the intimacy.
If you are denying her in the bedroom, what else in life are you going to deny her?
Most women will think one thing – possibly everything you don’t agree with.
It is important to accept her fantasies if you want to sexually excite your woman and be willing to explore and even be prepared to jump out of your own comfort zone.
Keep an open mind between the sheets even if her fantasies may seem “out there” for you. She may be less willing to indulge in your dirty fantasies if she constantly feels shut off.
What Do You Do After That?
In films and porn movies we are mostly shown dominant sadist “tops” and submissive masochist “bottoms”.
But it doesn’t end there.
There is so much territory to be explored in intimate exchanges beyond this fantasy of restraining a person and denying their senses.
Of course, you have to have a s*it ton of communication beyond the point of establishing approval, consent, and safe words.
Let’s take a look at what else you need to consider talking about when you are intending to play with a submissive for the first time:
Communicate About Your Flavors.
Before you venture any further, you need to remember one simple thing: making sure to see how far your partner is willing to go.
It is important to have a happy and satisfied partner instead of just getting what you want, need, and desire.
This is going to be the foundation of an amazing relationship between yourself and your submissive that is based on trust, care, and mutual respect.
So, in order to be able to communicate and express yourself effectively, you have to know what you’re talking about, right?
That’s why I’ve broken down dominance into three categories so you can know exactly where you belong and what excites you, as well as be able to recognize where your submissive stands with all this.
Here are the three categories you need to know:
The best place to start is by making “small offers” i.e subtle invitations to play just a small bit beyond yours and your submissive’s comfort zone.
You don’t want nor need to go full-on handcuffing and blindfolding her on the bed if you have never pulled a woman by her hair before.
Take it easy. You know you are not there yet.
A great way to start this journey is by openly making her an offer by either expressing yourself verbally and telling her that you would like to try something new or simply move forward with showing control over her body.
Ready for some action? Here we go.
Against A Wall.
Pushing your submissive up against the wall or door is a subtle but yet effective way to express your dominance over her.
Maintain eye contact while holding her wrists down by her sides or above her head as this will immediately show that you didn’t come here to play catch.
Slowly lean your weight against her to get her familiar and comfortable with the position she holds in this situation – being submissive to you.
Gently push your knee between her legs and part them slightly.
Maintaining eye contact is important, so keep your eyes locked on hers while showing her you have the power to make her offer herself to you.
Don’t Be Hesitant To Do The Dirty Talk.
Most people feel completely embarrassed and ridiculous at the thought of trying it and questions like “What should I say? What do they want me to say? What if I go too far and sound stupid?” start popping up in their heads first thing.
Think of dirty talking like an extension of flirting. And if you have been flirting up until the point where you have her pinned against the wall with her legs spread and arms above her head, there is no need to stop doing it now.
It is easier to do talk dirty via text messages, but that’s of absolute zero use to you when your partner is in front of you, waiting to be taken.
If you particularly feel like dirty talk in person isn’t your strongest suit but you are curious to try it and become good at it, there are easy ways to start getting into talking dirty and becoming confident with the words you are saying.
A great way to start off the dirty talk is by verbally appreciating your partner’s appearance and being attentive on how she responds to that.
This is because it can take a little more time to get a woman’s water boiling due to the fact that women can hold many things on their mind at once when it comes to sexual arousal.
You need to captivate her attention and replace whatever else is happening in her head with a strong sexual signal like being descriptive about the things you want to do to/with her.
Be Descriptive: The Juicier, The Better.
Women are often aroused through their imagination so specifically describing to your partner what you want to do to them/with them before you’re actually doing it will have you on a good path towards receiving her submission.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with statements like “You look so hot right now/I want to have you/You turn me on”.
But these can be massively supercharged if you add a little bit of descriptive detail.
- You look so hot right now – I fucking love your perfect/delicious/sexy big/little (body part).
- I want to have you – I want to devour every inch of your perfect body.
- You turn me on – You tantalize my every nerve.
- I want your body – Your body was made to be fucked by me.
Use Your Senses.
One of the fastest ways of getting the vibe between you two and boost the erotic and engaging quality of your dirty talk is to start using multi-sensory descriptive words.
While there is nothing wrong with using only two of your primary senses which are the sight and touch to describe how hot she looks and how good she feels, letting your descriptive imagination run wild can take her to a whole other level of arousal.
Talk about taste, sounds, and smell without leaving anything out.
Here are a few examples of dirty talk phrases that use multi-sensory descriptions:
- You taste/smell so delicious. I could get drunk off of your juices/scent.
- I need to taste that sweet little pussy of yours.
- I love the sounds my good girl makes.
- You sound so fucking sexy when you moan for me.
Let Her Know Exactly What You Need.
Assume the role of “big daddy” and let her know you’re in charge and you’re the one running the plan.
Once you’ve cracked the ice and told her how beautiful she looks for you and how much you want to have her, dare to tease a little further and watch her obey your words.
A few examples of letting her know exactly what you need are:
- That dress looks amazing on you, but I’m afraid it has got to go.
- I would love to watch you remove piece by piece of your clothes until you are completely naked.
- I need to see my good girl slowly remove her panties for me.
- Remove your panties, I need to see/taste/feel/be inside you.
- I want to see nothing else but your stilettos on you.
Avoid Using Too Much Profanity.
Every person har particular trigger words that feel too jarring for them and this can easily take your fun and exciting play into an undesired direction.
While some people adore their dirty talk to be filled with harsh swear words, others may hate it.
Some people want their dirty talk to include very clinical descriptions of their genitals (penis, vagina) while others want the dirtier street slangs (pussy, cunt, cock, dick, etc.)
You may find women that like being called “you whore” while others prefer “my whore, slut, cockslave, etc.” while others still would never want you to call them anything close to the word whore during any of your foreplay or lovemaking.
It is best to check in with your submissive when you are outside of the bedroom and aren’t being sexual to see if there are any words that they want you to avoid during your dirty talk.
In case you don’t feel comfortable having this conversation with your submissive you can generally avoid certain trigger words unless she lets you know otherwise.
Manhandle Her Like A True Pro.
Manhandling your submissive is a good way to express your masculinity and dominance over her.
If your submissive enjoys feeling contained during foreplay and sex this is probably because she enjoys feeling secure and, in a way, under your control.
This practice can be placed in the category of gentle domination because it does not require overly rough and aggressive moves but it can still provoke that little mischievous glint in her eye that will show you she’s loving and enjoying every minute of being dominated by you.
Consider taking her wrists and holding them together over her head while you’re on top of her when you are making out or during sex.
Grab her breasts/ass as if you can’t get enough without giving her a chance to get up when you are on top.
Slide your hand inside her top/bra and gently tease, roll, and pinch on her nipples.
Grab a handful of her hair and gently pull her neck back to expose her throat and nibble/suck/kiss her skin.
These are some of the methods you can incorporate when you are trying to “test the ground” and realize what your submissive might be into as well as what she doesn’t particularly enjoy.
However, it is important to be attentive to the signs she may be giving away.
Although this is considered as gentle domination, it is not everyone’s cup of tea and you should always check-in with her in case your play starts to feel a little cold.
Moderate domination is the stage where the anticipation really starts to build and also where the fun starts, right?
If you tested and loved gentle domination but you wish to take things just a little bit further, you can now move into play that requires more physical interaction.
If your partner is also comfortable with gentle domination and she starts coming back for more, feel free to take it a notch rougher.
Here are some examples that belong in the moderate domination category:
Bondage / Restriction
Bondage is the most common form of a play between the dominant and their submissive. It involves physically restraining a person and/or denying their senses as a key part of the experience.
The appeal in this type of play for you as the dominant is being in-control over your partner’s body.
You could start exploring bondage in an experimental way or try a theme where the struggle is part of what makes the bondage play erotic and satisfying for both of you.
Which means you will need to talk to your partner upfront about what you want.
But before starting the conversation and dive deeper into what she likes and what she might not be so keen on doing, you need to plant the seed in her mind that this is something you want to try.
You can suggest the following:
- I really want to tie you up and have my way with you.
- I want to hear you beg for it while you are tied up.
- Tying you up and taking advantage of you is all I’m thinking about right now.
- I bet you look even better when you are restrained.
- Having you in tight bondage is exactly how I want you.
- I want to tie you up and mark you as mine.
- Tying you up and fucking you like the little slut that you are is all I need right now.
Now, before you suggest any of these things you need to pay attention to getting the tone of your voice right as this will dramatically increase the power of your words.
Imagine using some of these suggestions with a high pitched, insecure type of voice tone. How would “I want to hear you beg for it while you are tied up” sound then?
Not so good, right?
Now imagine telling her the same thing but with a deeper tone of voice.
Much better, right?
I’m sure your partner would agree, too.
One important part of the negotiation process is establishing a safe word. Something that we will get to later on in this article.
Now before you go 50 Shades of Crazy on her, start by making the play more enticing while building the sexual tension.
For example, slowly ease her into the play by asking her to close her eyes for you while you pleasure her. The key here is not to intimidate her, but to make her want to do exactly what you are asking from her.
Play with her body with your mouth and hands. Gently caress her breasts, kiss her neck, nibble on her earlobe while reminding her that she needs to keep her eyes closed for you.
When you notice she’s enjoying what you are doing to her as much as you are, now is a good time to move forward.
Start out by loosely tying her wrists with a silk scarf or loose fabric. Keep in mind that you don’t want the fabric to be abrasive to her skin or that it’s not too tight.
Keep the first session short and sweet.
Because in this way, you remain to be the one in command. You teased her and then you stopped.
Oh, but you did more than that. You played a mental game by merely allowing her to experience the “trailer” of the movie you have picked for her.
Not only you are guaranteed to receive great feedback, but you also stirred a burning curiosity that will make her restless until she receives more.
Remember that being dominant is about making your submissive want to give herself to you.
I have read dozens of articles that revolve around this particular thing.
“Spank her, she will love it”. Which is, to say the least, a nauseating sentence.
Hey, I am not saying it’s not true. On the opposite, it’s very much true. But you need to go beyond the few words in that sentence.
You need to think that your girl has been a bad girl and now she needs to be punished. You don’t want to hurt her or intimidate her, but you want to excite her.
The point of punishing her is to make her realize how willing she is to behave in order to receive what she needs from you – your control over her.
Let her know that she is misbehaving by reminding her that you are in charge:
- You need to be punished for this behavior.
- I need to punish you for this, right now.
- You need to be bent over my knee, little girl.
- That spoiled ass of yours is begging to be spanked.
This lets her know that she has very little choice before what’s about to happen next.
Of course, you don’t want to intimidate or scare her, so don’t assume the attitude of being upset or even angry with her as this will surely trigger an unwanted reaction.
Your tone of voice should be firm and confident but not sounding irritated or annoyed by something she did.
Ask her to remove her pants or skirt, but to keep her panties on. Once she’s in the position you want her don’t just start swatting away immediately.
Talk to her with a calm, but a positive voice.
Remind her what she did while gently rubbing her ass. She deserves to know why she is being punished, right?
Ask her why was she acting like a naughty little girl. You deserve an explanation, Sir.
Once you receive your answer and (pretend) you don’t like it, spank. Strong enough so that she feels it, but not enough for it to hurt and make things awkward.
For most recipients, the lower inner quadrant of the buttocks is the sweet spot.
Tease her by rubbing her ass and slowly sliding her panties to the side.
Ask her if she is going to behave like that again.
And if you don’t like the answer, a harder spank is allowed this time, followed by a gentle rub.
Don’t forget to slide your hand between her thighs and feel the mess she is going to start making in no time…
Also, remember that as a dominant, there is something you want to achieve from this practice, so be it making her apologize and beg to be allowed to cum by the end of it, or a torturous tease that will make her work harder to earn her reward, always keep your goal and position in mind.
Orgasm control/Orgasm denial.
Orgasm control, denial, or edging, as it is sometimes called is a type of sexual play often associated with BDSM, but not always.
The point of edging is to be highly aroused, yet not have an orgasm for a longer period of time than it would normally take.
For the dominant, this is one great way to take full control over the most sensitive point of your lover’s mind and body and choose when (and if) she can be rewarded with a release.
Before starting off, you should decide whether or not an eventual orgasm will be allowed or not.
While some people will deny their partner an orgasm altogether, others will stave off the orgasm for a certain period of time, bringing them to the edge again and again and again, until the sexual energy reaches a maddening height.
However, you don’t have to tell her about your decision if you want to make things more exciting for her.
The easiest way to perform edging is to incorporate physical restraints and making her unable to touch herself. This is especially useful if the relationship is new.
It will provide you with learning her buttons as well as how her body responds when she approaches the point of no return.
When this type of play is involved, you may want to consider using your tongue or fingers to stimulate your submissive.
Having intercourse is probably the hardest option cause you may simply end up getting aroused and losing control yourself.
This also allows you to focus more on adding the power-play element and tease her by saying things like:
- You better not be getting too close.
- You are going to be in deep trouble if you cum without my permission.
- You won’t cum unless I hear you begging for it.
Or you can always take it a bit further and taunt her by saying:
- I bet you want to cum so bad, don’t you?
- Are you ready to cum? Well, too bad, I am not done with you yet.
- I bet you can’t take it any longer, princess.
Regardless of how you want to play it, always watch your tone of voice.
You don’t want to come off as threatening or someone who is weirdly satisfied from torturing her.
You want to let her know that you are in command of her body and that you are the one who gets to decide when or if she is going to have a release.
And we are coming to the final category of sexual domination.
Aggressive sexual domination is the final level that may make it or break it for you and your submissive. That’s why I want to start off by saying that playing in this field requires a given consent as well as negotiating safe words (yup, plural).
Taking control during sex is certainly more aggressive than ordering or demanding it and some of the stuff I am about to explain as you continue reading qualify for the next step in that sort of domination.
If you get to this level, it is time to unleash your inner Mr. Grey, but minus the horrendous examples from the famous or rather infamous trilogy.
This category is about being aggressive and dominant, it’s about showing her why she needs to obey and take pleasure in being submissive to you.
So let’s assume that you have made it to this point, or that this point is what perfectly describes your sexual tastes.
I am here to teach you how to act on your desires and derive your maximum pleasure, as well as fulfil the needs of your submissive.
The tone of rough sex is different than the sweet, sultry allure of a typical night. Rough sex gets physical and it can get vigorous. It can be intense because the line is there to be crossed.
Gone are the tender caresses and gentle, romantic kisses, and in their place come commands, hair pulling, pushing around, and even choking.
If this already sounds interesting and enticing, then this is probably something for you.
However, it is important to work out some feelings and let your submissive know this exciting, and perhaps a slightly dangerous side of your personality that you don’t show in real life.
Moreover, at the right time, and between consenting partners, having rough sex can be a lot of fun and it is something that can bring you closer.
Men like rough sex because it gives them a chance to express their dominant selves in a sexual way, with permission to be aggressive and intense.
These are the feelings men normally rein in, so this is your time to shine and watch your submissive become aroused from the rough sexual exchange.
Yup, if your submissive is down for trying this out with you, chances are that you are with a woman who has at least a fleeting interest, if not a full-blown desire to partake in having rough sex with you.
So here’s how to make it happen:
Ask for it
Nope, I don’t mean that you should spring it on her in the middle of sex or consider watching a suggestive movie with a lot of hot rough sex scenes in.
None of that crap.
Simply ask her how she feels about the idea, however, consider asking her in a manner that will excite and interest her, rather than completely turn her off the idea of trying it out.
A few examples:
- How would you like to be taken roughly?
- Is the thought of being taken roughly by me turn you?
- Would you like me to have my way with that tight body?
Or simply say:
- I want to take/have you now and I won’t be gentle.
- I am going to show you what happens after you decide to be a bad girl.
- I am going to have my way with your little body and I don’t intend on being gentle.
Ease into it
There really isn’t a reason to go in and go hard at the beginning of a new sexual activity such as rough sex.
Starting off small and simple will give you and your submissive the necessary time to get comfortable around each other and relate to the aggressive energy.
However, here are a few starting points to make rough sex interesting as beginners:
Go harder, deeper, or faster
You can up the intensity with kissing, touching, and stimulation that will lead to aggressive sex, deep thrusting, with a lot of grabbing, pulling, and rough handling involved.
Good places for scratching include the back, the butt, and the beck of the neck. Curl your fingers and drag them like a rake across her skin.
Aim for fleshy parts of her body.
Take her skin in between your teeth and gradually increase the pressure.
Pull her hair
Take your hand rake and drag it up her neck and into her hair.
Curl your fingers tightly so you can grab onto her hair and get as close as you can to her scalp.
Slowly increase your pressure into a nice squeeze that will provoke a moan out of her.
Though they are typically considered the same thing, humiliation and degradation are actually two similar but different sexual fetishes.
Humiliation affects an individual mentally through name-calling a body part or making fun of someone’s size or appearance.
It is generally a “love it or hate it” extreme, so you should always tread carefully and discuss this type of sexual fetish with your submissive before randomly starting to throw nasty words in her way before bringing it up prior to your time in the bedroom.
Erotic verbal degradation, however, is the beginning ground and a milder form of humiliation that can incredibly arouse your submissive partner, if done right.
Let me show you a few examples on how to degrade your submissive partner without receiving any negative reactions or an immediate turn-off on her end.
Call her a naughty little girl.
This is degradation at its very beginning stage.
Ladies like to be called out for being naughty as this arouses the interest of what’s to follow after you recognize her misbehaving.
Let’s explore a few examples of the beginning stage of degradation up until the very border of humiliation:
- Naughty/dirty/filthy little girl/princess/slut/whore/cumslut/cunt.
Did you notice the progress?
Well if you did, the good news is now you know where to start and slowly proceed up until the point your submissive partner is comfortable with.
Let’s take a look at another example:
- The only thing you are good for is to be satisfying/serving/ fucked by me.
- You look like an obedient little sex toy/servant/cocksleeve when you are on your knees.
Make her degrade herself
And by this, I must say I don’t mean for you to be physically forcing her to degrade herself as a part of your sexual play. There are some subtle but clever questions you can ask that will lead her into giving you the answer you want to hear.
A few examples:
- What are you? [Your little girl/princess/slut/whore/cumslut] or Are you my obedient little girl/princess/slut/whore/cumslut?
- What are you good for? [To satisfy/serve/be fucked by you]
- Who’s my naughty/dirty/filthy little girl/princess/slut/whore/cumslut?
- Repeat what you are so I can hear you loud and clear.
- Who’s your Master?
- Who do you belong to? or Whose are you?
- A good girl/princess/slut/whore/cumslut like you should ALWAYS ask for permission before she cums, do we agree?
- How bad do you want to be my girl/princess/slut/whore/cumslut?
- How bad does my girl/princess/slut/whore/cumslut want to cum?
- Are you ready to beg for your release?
Breath Play (Choking)
Erotic asphyxiation or breath play or simply choking means depriving your submissive partner of oxygen in measured amounts as this can lead to euphoric experiences.
Erotic asphyxiation occurs when you place your hands around her neck to stop the blood flow. As the brain loses oxygen, the built-up carbon dioxide will create a feeling of euphoria and therefore increase sexual stimulation and sensation.
However, you probably want to be very careful when it comes to choking someone for sexual pleasure.
If you are a beginner and a total stranger to breath play, this is certainly not the time to be rough and aggressive.
But you may tell me when the heck am I supposed to choke her if not while I’m fucking her roughly?
Well, you have a point, however, don’t you think that you should crawl before you walk?
All I’m saying is that you should not be doing this if you are a beginner who has never done it before, or if your submissive has never been choked before.
Moreover, while we are at it, having an honest conversation with your submissive about introducing breath play inside the bedroom is a good preventative measure as this may trigger a traumatic experience or an unpleasant memory from the past you may not know about.
And nobody is going to have a good time if that happens, right?
Now let’s get down to the dirty nitty-gritty on how to safely resort to breath play edging and make it enjoyable.
Safety is important
And I don’t mean this lightheartedly. You shouldn’t take it as such, either.
Now, I don’t want to go all Negative Nancy on you from the very beginning of this exciting chapter, however, I feel obligated to say this.
Breath play is not a joke, and there are serious injuries as well as death cases documented of people who have been choked to death accidentally during sex.
Jay Wiseman, the author of SM 101 has served as an expert witness at the trials of people who choked someone to death during sex and this is how he characterizes this particular kink-play:
“It’s always inherently life-threatening, and it is always inherently unpredictable,”
You simply cannot rely on your “expertise” or especially on the lack of one as there are no particular landmarks to this practice – meaning you can’t say to a reasonable degree of medical certainty that if you “only” choke someone for like 20-30 seconds, they will be okay.
Nope, don’t do that.
Don’t assume breath play is a low-risk activity because it’s not. And choking isn’t just about the lungs, it can affect the brain as we said before and even the heart.
Fragile bones, nerves, arteries, and veins on a sensitive area such as the neck are crowded and vulnerable, so putting sustained pressure on someone’s neck can be extremely risky.
You get what I’m sayin’, right?
Establish a safe signal
We read all about safe words earlier in this guide, however, the only logical question you are asking yourself right now is probably how the heck would your submissive partner be able to tell you they’ve had enough if their larynx is being compromised and she’s close to passing out?
Well, that is where a safe signal is needed as we also mentioned earlier. Did you remember these?
Let me repeat them for you.
Most popular and clear safe signals are:
- a number of taps on a certain part of the body (the shoulder, wrist, forearm, knee…)
- a number of/intense blinking with the eyes
- a number of finger snaps
- a hand gesture such as clenching a fist
Since we had a brief memory refreshment, it is time to move onto the juiciest part.
How to make breath play enjoyable?
Now let’s get down to the details on how to make breath play edging enjoyable for both yourself and your submissive partner.
How to choke her?
This part may sound tricky, however, it really doesn’t have to be.
Try to remember that when you are choking her, you do not want to squeeze her windpipe. And you also do not want to grab her carotid arteries on the side of her neck too hard until the point where she passes out.
You want to choke her just right…with just enough pressure that she will feel under your total control in bed without getting hurt.
Starting a little bit lighter than you think is the way to go and focus on only lightly pressing against her carotid arteries.
The carotid artery runs down the throat to the chest; the point you want to strike is slightly below her jawline, closer to the ear than the chin.
Apply light, pulsing pressure right there.
Make sure not to lean into the choke, her throat cannot support your body weight.
While you gently press on both sides of the neck, you can then guide your partner’s head to the side using her jawline.
Make eye contact.
Making smouldering eye contact while choking her is arguably more important than the act of choking itself.
Look into your submissive partner’s eyes as if you are trying to make a statement. A statement that clearly says who does she belong to.
You don’t have to stay away from dirty talking during this act of delivering powerful sensations.
Think her senses are heightened, she is feeling the rush, the pressure, the pain, the excitement. She knows you are there to take her, ravish her…
And if you feel like you need to make sure she knows why she’s there… tell her.
Tell her she’s there because she likes having your hands around her neck and enjoys playing into the fantasy of being taken and owned by you.
Tell her what a dirty girl she is and that you enjoy taking her in the way she deserves to be taken.
Along the lines of choking comes another very similar practice that can trigger arousal for both yourself and your partner if done right.
Gagging is an act that is often done during submissive and dominant scenarios. It can create an intense experience between partners that allows the submissive partner/the wearer to be silenced of muffled while feeling mental and physical arousal.
Ball gags take a huge part of bondage or restraint BDSM play as they will stop your submissive partner from closing her mouth and thus increase the sense of helplessness and even humiliation to a degree.
Which means if your submissive is willing to go to that extent and lets you use a ball gag on her, incorporating some of the above-mentioned humiliating words are in about the right order.
Besides that, ball gags look pretty badass visually.
They are made out of different materials and if you are a beginner, try looking into a gag which is made from pliable materials, such as soft silicone.
Ball gags that have holes in is an excellent practice for beginners, as this will allow your submissive partner to breathe from both her nose and mouth while wearing it and make her more comfortable.
This will definitely make her less opposed to wearing one and definitely more eager to receive her punishment for misbehaving.
An alternative to this toy can be a simple piece of cloth or even her own panties.
You can always call her out for being too loud if you need an excuse to shove her panties inside her mouth.
Take a look at this:
- My little dirty girl/princess/slut/whore/cumslut is being far too loud, I am going to have to find a way to shut that pretty little mouth of yours up.
- I love seeing that pretty little mouth of yours studded up.
- Now let me see you gag on your wet panties as I devour you.
Did you like orgasm control/denial from the above-mentioned category of moderate domination? Then this may be something similar but slightly more intense and exciting new thing to try with your submissive partner.
So let’s recap.
Orgasm control, denial, or edging is a type of sexual play that allows for the submissive partner to be highly aroused, yet not have an orgasm for a longer period of time than it would normally take.
For you, as the dominant, this is one great way to take full control over the most sensitive point of your lover’s mind and body and be directly in charge with choosing when and if your submissive partner can be rewarded with a release.
However, once you and your submissive partner start perfecting the art of her being able to give up control of her orgasm to you, you can now start exploring this type of practice in other ways.
Forced orgasm is not about forcing it upon somebody that’s unwilling as consent is always required for this type of play to be able to take place.
But instead, it is about creating a situation where your submissive partner is orgasming in a way that is surprising and even unconventional, perhaps even in a way that makes them slightly uncomfortable.
This can be done in several ways.
You can stimulate her clitoris by using your fingers or pleasing her orally.
However, this could easily tire you out, especially if your partner needs longer to achieve an orgasm.
It is always a good practice to take it easy and go ahead with slow but torturous movements.
You can tease her with your fingers and tongue, or alternating between both.
When your mouth is available, take the time to verbally encourage her to cum for you while gliding your fingers over her most sensitive area.
Keep moving your fingers or pressing your tongue against her clitoris after she has her first orgasm.
This is going to be uncomfortable or even painful for her, however, she is going to feel the next orgasm build-up as an electrical jolt under her skin.
Forced orgasms don’t just have to happen because you need to work your fingers or tongue. As a dominant, you have the right to command your submissive partner into obeying your wishes.
You can do this by commanding her to touch herself while you watch. Words are the key, so you have to make your submissive partner be comfortable and happy to obey your wishes.
Ask her to be a good girl and touch herself while you are watching her from the side. Encourage her to take it slow and let it build.
Lay next to her in bed and watch her please herself as she is looking into your eyes, searching for any sign of permission to release. Delay as much as possible and only allow her to release when you seem fit.
She needs to earn it after all, right?
Sex toys and bondage.
If you and your submissive partner are quite new into this but very keen on trying it out, you should really talk about bondage and restrictions during forced orgasm scenes.
If both of you come to an agreement and a safe word is established, you are definitely in for a treat.
During forced orgasm scenes, the submissive partner is usually tied up in order to limit her movement.
This is going to make things so much easier for you because she will most probably find it way too difficult to control herself after she’s had her first orgasm and will definitely try to wrestle with all she has to stop the torturous stimulation.
Besides not having to use physical force to hold her down, you will also surely enjoy the view of your lover being tied up and how the torturous movements make her wiggle desperately in an attempt to free herself.
Additionally, the most popular and usually favourite sex toys to introduce in order to pull orgasm after orgasm from your tied up submissive lover are the magic wand vibrators.
This cute little device is used to stimulate the clitoris, mercilessly bringing her to the point of absolute madness and several strong and satisfying orgasms in a row.
Another great trick is to use blindfolds on your submissive lover as this will undoubtedly create an element of mystery, and thus heighten her other senses into maximum reception.
While public sex is illegal nearly everywhere in the world with different laws and penalties for public indecency violations, nobody says a thing about a public play where no intercourse is involved but one party is still brought to forced orgasm.
As we said above, forced orgasm is about creating a situation where your submissive partner is orgasming in a way that is unconventional and not always comfortable.
How else are you supposed to step outside your comfort zone of shyness if you never move towards the dangerous lane just for the sake of the thrill?
Public play is a great way to create an unconventional and uncomfortable situation where your submissive is going to reach an unwilling orgasm that’s gonna make her cheeks red with embarrassment.
Instead of risking the consequences of being arrested and exposed to public humiliation, you can always introduce her to sex toys and devices that are safely controlled through a phone-app and perfectly made for discreet public play.
Encourage her to be a good girl and let go every time she feels yet another orgasm build-up, all while enjoying the food and glass of delicious wine at a fancy restaurant.
A successful negotiation yields several things:
- connection through communicating, listening, and approval
- identification of shared activities through communicating your flavours
- what boundaries will be respected
Honest and authentic communication is really the cornerstone of any successful relationship, however, this is especially emphasized when it comes to having a healthy and successful dominant/submissive relationship.
Therefore, expressing what feels comfortable and what doesn’t work sexually is the first step to developing a lasting connection.
Being upfront about your boundaries allows you to have sex that is emotionally safer and therefore has the potential to be hotter and extremely satisfying.
Before you can communicate your boundaries with your submissive partner, however, you have to explore and know your own boundaries.
Or simply said, you need to openly talk about yours and your partner’s limits.
So what are limits?
A limit is something your submissive does not wish to do, whether by a choice or necessity.
This can simply mean because she doesn’t enjoy the suggested scenario or the intensity that comes with it, or it can be due to health issues or even more serious mental barriers.
Limits establish a line you do not wish to cross during a sexual play with your submissive partner. And there are two types of limits in a dominant/submissive relationship:
These can mark the areas or edges where play is not explicitly desired but it can potentially become exciting.
A soft limit is one which might be renegotiated later even if your sub originally said she is not very keen on trying out that particular thing or scenario.
Or simply something which is not necessarily desired at the time of the discussion, but wouldn’t lead to a total disaster if this particular thing occurred.
For example, your submissive may not be into anal play at the beginning of your relationship or during your discussion about limits, however, with time and a little bit of reassurance, she may be able to recognize the excitement in it and be willing to try it out.
This certainly doesn’t mean that you should push for it, however, planting the seed with an honest conversation of how much this may possibly excite you, may lead to her changing her mind about it and be happy to please you.
Moreover, your submissive isn’t the only one that is “allowed” to have limits in a relationship. Yourself, as the dominant, have every right to refuse to engage in a particular activity you personally don’t find enjoyable.
However, keeping an open mind is always a good idea as you may never know what you will end up enjoying.
For example, receiving a rim job may be something you are not comfortable with trying out right at the beginning of a new relationship, however, this may change in the future and you may even end up liking it.
A soft limit is basically a line that, with time, has the potential of being crossed and in most cases, it is a matter of broadening the individual’s horizons.
One thing that might be very helpful is knowing exactly where this barrier is coming from in order to effectively communicate about it.
Perhaps it is something that just doesn’t sound right for your submissive partner, or it may be something that triggers an unpleasant memory from her past.
Either way, she may be needing a reassuring conversation and the feeling of safety in order to bend her limits.
A hard limit, on the other hand, is something you will not do under any circumstance. These are absolutes that should not be crossed.
For many people, these may be activities or things which trigger a traumatic memory from the past, panic attacks, or other psychological stress.
Hard limits can be anything at all, even things that other people consider to be tame or perhaps a lot of fun.
Some people have face slapping or hair-pulling as a hard limit because it might relate to domestic violence experienced in the past and in no way are they considering it a fun thing to do.
Others may have a hard limit on fluids exchange or perhaps even something that for you may not be a big deal – such as tickling.
However, you should never disregard someone’s limits because you don’t think it is important.
What you absolutely should do is ask for explanations in order to understand where this mental barrier towards a particular thing is coming from.
You should never settle for somebody simply not allowing you to do something to them and not bothering to give an explanation for the reason behind it.
Don’t forget that communication is the key, so if your submissive partner has a fear or a trauma that can potentially interfere in fulfilling your particular desires, kinks, and fetishes, you as the dominant have every right to know where this is coming from.
This is not because you will want to continue pushing or disregarding the source of their limit, but it is simply to help you understand the person and her reasons better and perhaps even being able to help with overcoming it.
When going through these different acts as a part of establishing boundaries it is helpful to play your cards open and indicate the following things:
- Things you definitely want to try (for example bondage, spankings, hair pulling…)
- Things you are interested in trying but may need some time of adjusting (for example breath play, rough sex…)
- Things you do not really want to engage in but are negotiable (for example orgasm denial/edging, forced orgasm…)
- Things you definitely do not want to try ever (for example fluid exchange, name-calling, scat play, spinning while restrained…)
Another aspect to consider is the intensity level of the desired activity.
Maybe you and your partner have indicated an interest in spanking or face-slapping. So how do you know when to slap her and more importantly how do you avoid overdoing it?
Let your submissive partner guide you through her desired intensity level by giving her a few spanks on the ass or a face slap and ask for her feedback.
This doesn’t have to be long or overly complicated. A simple “harder”, “softer”, “more”, or “less” will do the trick and will set you on the right path of an enjoyable play in a matter of seconds.
It is also important to recognize that limits aren’t carved in stone.
The limits you or your submissive may be having now can be much different in a few years down the road. You will definitely have your understanding of the activity grow and it can come as just a matter of changing the taste.
Check-ins & What To Watch Out For?
Check-in is when either partner provides clues as to their comfort, pain tolerance, pleasure level or other information during a scene or play session.
Everyone needs to be checked in with every once in a while, and this is especially important if you are planning on trying out more intense and advanced dominating techniques such as bondage, blindfolds, spankings, or slapping.
It will give your submissive partner a sense of safety and security, therefore they will consider you as someone who is trustworthy.
On the other hand, it will give you as the dominant the reassurance that what you are doing feels good and enjoyable for your partner.
Watch out for visible discomfort.
If you have created a bondage play, for example, it is always a good practice to check for visible signs of discomfort.
You can notice these if a sudden “drop” in the mood occurs or lack of eagerness and excitement to continue the play coming from your submissive partner.
However, don’t immediately think you are doing something wrong.
She may simply need reassurance that she is safe and nothing bad is going to happen to her. Always encourage your submissive partner to use the safewords you agreed on.
Learning how to ask questions whenever you are trying something new will provide you with information on your submissive partner’s enjoyment and comfort.
Ask clear questions and demand clear answers.
When you are checking in with your submissive, never accept the answer “I’m fine” or anything similar to that.
Ask her to express how excited she is or if something is hurting her. Maybe the bondage is too tight and she is no longer comfortable in that position.
Ask if her limbs are feeling numb or does she want a cup of water, or perhaps she is feeling a little foggy-headed.
It is your responsibility to notice these signs of discomfort and encourage your submissive partner to speak up if something is not right.
Although important, frequent check-ins can become annoying and this may accidentally come across as a sign of lack of confidence.
However, as a dominant, you are not expected to play without any feedback at all either, so finding a happy medium during negotiation beforehand will work best for you.
Aftercare is an elusive beast that can generally be put into two categories:
Physical aftercare includes things such as helping to remove any restraints, blindfolds, ropes, belts, or any gear involved after a play.
Checking for visible signs that may need adequate care is also important because sometimes accidents happen and rough sex lovers are by no means strangers to scratches or bruises that may require clean up afterward.
Emotional aftercare, however, is the reason why aftercare, in general, can be an elusive beast.
We are not all the same, so while sometimes we want to be left alone after an intense sex scene, other times we may need extra care and attention.
Emotional aftercare may include kissing, caressing, and cuddling. Pretty much everything you probably didn’t have a chance to do if rough sex was something that happened minutes earlier.
It is important that affection and comfort are provided, but you can still use this time to calmly discuss the play that just took place as well as address the details you enjoyed and even be open and honest about the ones you didn’t enjoy as much as you thought you would.
Do not hesitate to make your submissive partner the centre of your attention and specifically ask which part, thing, gear, or intensity involved she enjoyed and would love to repeat and explore further into.
Check-in with her for new and exciting ideas she may be willing to try in the future.
Also, don’t be afraid or uncomfortable to discuss the details she may need some time getting used to before trying them out again or the ones she is not so keen on trying again altogether.
So there you have it, gentlemen.
I hope my detailed “ultimate guide” on how to be dominant in bed is going to set you on the right path for some unforgettable play sessions with your submissive partner.
Most of all, I hope that this guide managed to change your mind about the common misconception that being dominant is a personality trait that you either have or you don’t.
This guide covers the basics on how to set up on your journey of becoming dominant, however, there is much more to come on this topic and I can’t wait to start writing the next part.
Happy hunting, Master!